This is probably my first post of 2012, almost four months into the New Year. To be honest, a lot has changed in a short amount of time but much has remained the same or gotten better since the end of 2011. 

One of my best friends left London at the end of last year, Teresa. She was probably one of the only people who really understood me in the way that I wanted people to get me, back in the day. It was hard on me because I felt my own mortality for once. I felt like I was on my own. In the deep end of a swimming pool with nothing to stop me drowning. The truth is, I just felt lonely. I had friends from all over the place but not someone I could see every day so in short, I internalised a lot of my pain by returning to work and not looking back. I was hurt in my own way but I couldn’t have people feeling sorry for me. I know what I have to do now and there’s a lot of ground to cover. I have yet to push it forward. 

I know that once my degree is done, I’m gonna go to Australia or New Zealand and see my wise friend in her humble abode. Just a way to get this work done I guess. I’ve found solace in remembering a past and forging a present. I always wonder why people who live in the same place all their lives don’t get bored of it. I have memories that I’ve chosen to forget or lived through them enough that they’re textbook to me. What I find solace in is that while Teresa, Natalie, Dalia, Vicky, Julian and Martyn influenced me, I grew to be who I am today so I guess seeing everyone day in/day out means I know everybody at least a decade. Three and half years later, still going strong and I speak to the majority. At least, I try to anyway. I hope they feel the same way.

With the promotional stuff I was writing, as good as it was made use of, it kept me away from focussing on film which is my end goal in the whole process known as life. I like writing for bands and as you’re probably aware, I helped Silverbox with the promotional work I did for them last year till my final piece last month. It helped them out greatly, don’t get me wrong, was amazing but personally and professionally it alienated me from my muse. I love those pieces I wrote. All 3. I just felt distant from Screenwriting and from my poetry stuff. But anyway, its all worth it in the end. Makes as much of a difference if not everything because work pays off at some point. 

Things have been strange recently. A lot of sides are being chosen, not in a bad way but in a reality meets fantasy way. Most of my friends are scattered all over the place. Its really weird but oddly normal. The only constant is that while most of them are away I have three different groups to fall back on. The most prominent being all of the guys at Earwicker or those who associate with it. Namely Martyn, Jade, Patton, Ellie and others. The second and third are closely tied together being my uni friends and the Silverbox massive. The latter is a little more prominent. Last week, I saw their last gig for the year at the Camden Proud. I caught most of it but I was a little late. Fortunately, the best songs had yet to be played. In the last six months, I’ve seen them five times in six months and written two reviews about them as well. 

Some people have said to me ‘Why do you like them? They’re shit. They’re so generic’. Simple whiny crap like that, I have no time for. I always back up Silverbox because the musicians are quality. I’m not a muso or anything like that but I like the compositions. One of my friends plays guitar for them, Julian Samos. I’ve known him for a long time, though we’ve been in and out of touch for the past two years. I went through a rough patch in January/February. It wasn’t particularly evident but I didn’t shy away from it either. Julian picked up on this and told me to make use of what I was good at. Everyone else thought things were great but he picked up on something they didn’t. It was through Julian that I involved myself with Silverbox. When I did the review for their EP, I didn’t anticipate how good it would be and what the response was. 

Flash forward four and a half months, I’m standing inside the Clapham Grand as they play lead support to songwriter, Stewart Mac. That was the highlight of the whole experience. I went there on my own but I found myself embraced by the Silverbox massive. Although, mostly women it was something to witness in its entirety. Sima, one of the managers said it was my review that helped them get the gig but I think it was 50/50. They did as much as the review did on its own. I can take credit for what I wrote but the impact is something that builds naturally regardless of input or output. It was as much of a night for them as it was for me. That’s why whenever I do work for them, I make sure I get the most out of it.

Its never been about money. Its about the love of writing, music, film, whatever it is. Fortunately, I’ve been able to learn guitar over three years, study how to write for film and television as well as making them (in my college years), then adding to that the poetry I write and perform, coupled with the promotional stuff I’ve done for Silverbox. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work with more bands and artists next year. It’ll definitely be an experience.

2011 has been a break and re-break year for me and my family. What you build falls down, what you fix falls apart etc. I’m 20 years old and to be honest, there’s a ton of stuff left to do if anything I feel ready to go. There’s 11 days to go and if anything, I’m really motivated to go at life 100% next year. Not that I haven’t already but I want to go a lot further and do a lot more. 2011 has allowed me to break free of my surroundings and appreciate that there are more people out there to befriend and to appreciate so that’s how I see next year panning out but with the usual twists and turns that go along with it. 

Sometimes, writing a blog is a great way to let off steam and clear the air, so there you go.

Its been a while since I left a comment or a message on here but there have been a few developments in that time which have needed attention on all fronts. The first of which is that I have left my job at O’Neill’s Ealing. I’m adjusting to life without a regular income and the excessive hard work to get it. 3 years of my life were committed to it and I came to realise towards the end of August this year, that I needed something to do with my life. Fortunately for me, I’ve had a good support unit available to talk to about it. 

The second thing is I’ve been struggling to write since June this year. Don’t get me wrong I have written several pieces. Poetry and the odd review here and there but for the most part, I’ve done virtually no script work. That worries me because I should be knocking out pieces of work, left right and centre which doesn’t seem to happen much lately. Part of the reason is I’m not bothered. I don’t have anything I want to say at the moment. Any idea I come up with seems stale and out of place. The other reason is that because of some comments made by one or two individuals during that time, I’ve lost confidence in presenting my ideas to my uni class. I know its not permanent because I’m feeling strong at the moment. I feel more like an adult but the problem I am facing right now is trying to let go of that mindset.

As my friend, John Wyse would say to philosophise life ‘Let’s create a unity of oneness’. Although I don’t know him that well, I do find his approach to life and his attitude to negativity comforting. He branded both of us ‘The future of linguistics’ at the Clapham Grand gig for his band, Silverbox. They are another influence, mainly him and Julian, one of the lead guitarists who I worked with not too long ago at O’Neill’s. Julian got me to get my act together eight months ago when I was in the same mindset I am in at the moment. He said to me ‘You got a gift, Jack. Make sure you use it’. There wasn’t anybody else saying that but him and I realised that I was good at something. I did have potential. I do have potential. I’m just unsure as to how I further it. Times have changed and times are strange (yes, it is Ozzy’s ‘Mama I’m Coming Home’)

I’ve written two reviews for Silverbox and I’ve met several of the band members, part and present. The thing I like about them as a band and as people is that they are driven to make it. They don’t hide it either. What you see is what you get. The thing is that while I have written stuff for them and I’m proud of the work I’ve done with them, I feel that since that point I’ve got comfortable. Its simple. If they make it and I hope they do, then I’ll get more work and hopefully get noticed by the music journalism pages. Classic Rock would be my dream to work for. Kerrang could be a stepping stone. At the same time, while I think of those ‘accomplishments’, I know my heart is in film-making. Writing films and directing films. I need to make a short film. 

New demo, click track set 120bps. Detuned to E-flat. Same drum track as the previous demo I recorded. Different key and much heavier in texture. Check it out, let me know if you like it, hate it or how I can improve on it. Would really appreciate it. Jack. 

This is my first proper recording. I’ve got two guitar parts that I’ve written today so hopefully get some good responses from it. Anybody who has a second to comment or discuss it with me, give me a shout on Facebook, would be cool to hear what you think. 

“Satisfy thy ego, 

Hold us in your minds, 

Satisfy thy ego, 

Take this as a sign, 

Satisfy thy ego, 

Tell us we’re right when you think we’re worng, 

Satisfy thy ego, 

We’re the ones giving you power, 

Shut the fuck up and listen, 

Everybody has somebody special, who they know for a long time. They see them grow up and they see you change too. You grow up together and learn together. Whether its over a few months or few years, its a bond that lasts through the best and worst of times. Fortunately, I’ve known a lot of people like tat over the years, whether I knew them in primary, secondary school, college or through work, they are all part of me. Whether they are a friend or an enemy, you have to embrace it. If you can’t acknowledge your past and your present as one, you’re not being honest with yourself. If you let go of the negative stuff, you’ll be tonnes better as you get older. I’m only 20 but I’m saying for it, not just for me but everybody else. You have one life and that’s it, make it all count for something. Do your best and keep the special people in your life. Don’t throw them away or discard them. Embrace your weaknesses as much as your strengths and you’ll be 100% better because of it. That’s how I like to think anyway. 

In the circle of trust, 

I am not alone,  

Dealing with lust, 

For power, 

The hour does devour, 

Truth and honesty, 

A new policy lie, 

When the pariah cometh, 

They said he was a man, 

He was born to live, 

A baby of the sun, 

He was the one, 

They all believed in, 

He’s a man, 

Angry from loss, 

Across the stars, 

He isn’t far away from you, 

He felt like a pariah, 

When he got left alone, 

To his own devices, 

Nothing is enough, 

Everything gets tough, 

When everybody’s gone, 

He feels like a pariah, 

When the last one goes, 

He’s not coming back, 

Till he makes it, 

He won’t fake it, 

He feels a change coming,

That he must embrace, 

The drumming on the ground, 

Is the sound of a future, 

Full of promise, 

Being shielded, 

From his calling, 

He feels demons creeping by, 

He is a pariah, 

He can’t explain himself, 

He’s lost touch with the confidence, 

He lost from the pain, 

That tore me a strain, 

In his ear that scarred before you, 

He is a pariah, 

They’ll get rid of him soon enough, 

He can’t neglect fate, 

He can change it, 

He can’t change the outcome, 

It is all the same, 

He’s closed off, 

From those who need him, 

He feels used and abused, 

He does so much, 

He breaks down on his knees, 

For nothing, 

No purpose at all, 

Its time to call it a day, 

This is his dream, 

No end shall be found, 

This is his drive, 

He knows he’s alive, 

When he keeps it real, 

He has to deal with it coming true, 

He say ‘You think you know me? 

I hope you do,’ 

When he’s ready to leave,

This stage he’s standing on, 

I hope nothing goes wrong, 

He can take the cuts, 

He’ll carry the scars, 

He won’t need redemption yet, 

He’s a pariah, 

Not meant to wait, 

To do nothing, 

He know something is true, 

A matter of fact, 

You can print what I say, 

I know you write your own way,

I’m a pariah, 

I’m trying to make my life better, 

Trying to make it happen, 

Patience is a virtue,

Everything I say, everything I do, 

Is a matter of promises, 

I got myself away from failure, 

There’s more to find, 

Inside my mind, 

I know I can do better, 

You might call me a pariah, 

You might think I fit in or I don’t, 

I won’t wait to find out, I embrace fate at dawn, Air, The sun rises,  

You knew me once, 

In the darkness bares light, 

I’ve given up the fight, 

To change the present, 

In spirit and soul, 

I am changed, 

You thought I’d be, 

The boy you remember me to be, 

Sorry baby, 

I’ll call you a lady, 

If you’ll call me a man, 

You used to know me, 

Now you don’t, 

Change (in spirit and soul)

Change (its my life)

Change (you can’t have it)

Change (i’ve taken the hits)

Change (to make it real)

Change (I feel better now)

I don’t do no high five, 

You’re so hot, OMG, 

Fuck that, 

You either hug or make out, 

I don’t fake what I say, 

The way I play is mine, 

I’m doing fine so far, 

Change is a virtue, 

Redunancy is the vice, 

Holding you down, 

I’m not a clown, 

I’m not the boy you knew, 

I’m not living in a bubble,

POP, goes the Lyons claw,  

Scratching you to pieces, 

Cynical, lyrical emptiness, 

This is the real deal, 

While it lasts, 

I’m living this dream, 

I started before, 

Everyone wanted some, 

My enthusiasm, 

Comes from hate, 

Not belonging to fate, 

Change helps the world go round, 

Yesterday, I decided to do something unusual. Something I didn’t think I was capable of saying to myself and those around me. I was ready to quit my job at O’Neill’s Ealing. I was ready to leave after nearly 3 years of hard work, commitment, focus and giving myself to a job that has made me who I am today. Nearly all of my friends, bar a few, I met after getting my job there. It seems strange to think its been 3 years and I feel ready to move on. I get paid a decent wage (£5.93) and the perks have gone up since I got promoted in February but the truth is I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t enjoy going to work and while most people consider that normal, I don’t. If you don’t like what you’re doing, what’s the point in doing it for the sake of money? 

I’ve experienced more frustration since going on the bar than anything I endured through the first 2 and half years I worked on the floor doing glass collecting. I don’t feel like an equal to the ‘team’ as people like to call it. Maybe I’m too invested in what has become humorous. Its all the job is now. I go in there with a smile and come out frowning.

You’d think after three years of service, it would account for more but for the most part, it’s a thankless job. The only people who give a fuck are the bank accountants counting all the fucking money. Everyone else would rather run me into the ground than give me the space and the option of being myself and following my way of living. That’s what annoys me with it. All of my friends, minus one whose been with me since the beginning are gone. Martyn, Jules, Natalie, Nikita and countless others I knew who’ve gone onto better things since then are all gone. I’m stuck as to what I’m going to do when I leave, other than go back to uni. I just need to leave Ealing behind, not the people or my friends but that pub and the places that cause me pain rather than joy. 

I haven’t set a leaving date but I know I want to go at roughly the same time as my 3 year anniversary takes place in five weeks. If its gotta be done, I have to do it. There’s so much out there compared to what was in the past. I’m older, more experienced and a stronger person. I need to put the work in elsewhere. Its time to make the words I’ve been talking about a reality and that’s only going to happen by committing myself to the path I have ahead of me. That’s it really. Nothing else to it. Gotta do what is right and for me, leaving O’Neill’s is the right thing to do. 

I’m really tired atm but for the most part, I’m just getting some well deserved perspective. I may be 20 but I think still think with the 17 year old perspective I had which led me to meeting some of the greatest people I have ever met. I don’t want to lose it and if I have to give it up to get a few brownie points from people then I won’t do it. Take me as I am or don’t fucking take me at all. I’m an open person so I’m not afraid to admit when I’m weak, challenged, frustrated, vulnerable, angry or otherwise. It is what it is and that’s how I deal with things. The world may have moved on as I have but I still feel there’s a lot to finish.

Some of the following are true for me but some of them I already do to an extent.

1. My First and Second Books (‘Cuts’ and ‘Lyons’)

2. Breathe. 

3. Appreciate what I have around me and give the people who supported me enough of my time. 

4. Remember where I started and how I got here. 

5. Be myself. 

6. Remember I can only do so much as a human being. I’m not a cyborg. 

7. Fulfill my potential. 

8. Enjoy what it is that I do and the people around me create to express themselves. 

9. Let go of past grudges and problems that are causing problems with honesty. 

10. Live every day as your last because if you say what you mean, and mean what you say, you can sleep better at night. 

Anyways, that was another long rant to add to the Lyons Cage. Hope you enjoyed my endless babble and the fun associated with it. I need to sleep so badly. Just remember folks, if you’re not happy with something, change it. Don’t let who you are and who people want you to be drag you down. I guarantee you that I’m not letting it happen to me and if it does, I’m gonna learn from it. As a Kiwi friend of mine says ‘Hugs not drugs’. Speak soon, J.L